At the SIDS and Kids Hunter region Drop-In Centre you will meet other parents who have survived the death of a child or children. You can also receive information on the various local support groups and assistance in finding the group or information that best suits your needs.

This page is to address some of the issues specific to the death of an “older” child. It is suggested that it be read in addition to the other SIDS and Kids leaflets. Some issues with child death apply to all ages, this leaflet is additional information relevant to families following the death of older children. The loss of a precious child is neither better nor worse because of the child’s age, simply different. This brochure addresses some of those differences

FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS
Some of the earliest decisions you will make will be regarding the funeral. There are many options open to you, (see booklet Choices in Arranging a Child’s Funeral) it is possible to hold the service at home or in a place special to your child. Discuss your ideas with your Funeral Director.
Your child’s friends may wish to be involved with a guard of honour. You may wish to have your child’s favourite music played in place of more traditional music. Ask your Funeral Director about the possibility of taking your child home if you so desire.
A viewing may or may not be possible depending on the cause of death, even if a viewing is not possible your Funeral Director may be able to dress your child in his or her favourite clothes or have his or her clothes put in with him or her. Also treasured items can be placed in with him or her prior to the funeral. You may be able to keep a lock of your child’s hair or have clay hand and foot prints taken.

SELF CARE
Often we get so busy in life we get out of touch with looking after ourselves. Grief is exhausting to the point it can cause physical illness. Relearn how to care for yourself and let others care for you as well. Rest when you need to, accept all offers of help ,eat well express your feelings. Cry if you want to.

MORE THAN TWO PARENTS?
Difficulties can arise if the child’s parents are no longer together, new partners may even be involved. Often this is the first time estranged parents have had to talk together and make decisions together, it may be the first time you will meet each others new partners. This can add to an already unbearable situation. Take care of yourself; if it is too difficult for you, say so. A trusted friend or relative may agree to act as “go between”. But you may find you are very grateful for input and suggestions from others who love your child also.

BELONGINGS
Deciding what to do with a child’s belongings is a difficult task. Be slow to make decisions that allow no room for a change of heart, this is a useful rule of thumb for the many decisions you now face. Don’t rush to discard or give away something that you later wish you had kept. The older a child is the more widespread his or her belongings will be, drawings and writings at school, badge work at Scouts, etc. Retrieve what you can, it can be a great source of comfort later, if others are left to decide they may discard items in the attempt to spare you more pain. Maybe a friend could collect your child’s belongings for you.

FRIENDS
Your child may have his or her own friends, these friends can be a source of comfort to you, or you may find their presence distressing, either way they will not forget their friend who has died and may like something to keep that belonged to your child. They may have something they wish to be placed with your child. Your child’s friends can be a great source of strength for your other children. They may wish to share their own memories of your child. This can be very comforting.

SCHOOL & SOCIAL ORGANISATIONS

Your child’s school or pre-school may hold a memorial service, erect a plaque or create a memorial garden as a lasting tribute. This is a way to have your child’s memory preserved always as part of his or her school and serves as a reminder to others how precious our children are. The memorial service is often the time the school counsellor will talk to other students about grief and many children benefit from speaking with the counsellor after the loss of a friend. It is also a time to clarify any misunderstandings that may have occurred amongst your child’s friends regarding the circumstances surrounding the death of your child.
Some schools will present an annual award or scholarship in memory of your child. Other organizations your child belonged to i.e.: sporting or social groups may also wish to present an annual memorial award or trophy as a way of showing your child is an ongoing part of their lives.

SIBLINGS & SCHOOL

You may have other school age children who will be affected by the death of their sibling. They may attend the same or different schools, their year advisor needs to be aware of the situation. Every child and every grief is different, your children may be reluctant to return or very keen to get back to school to put some “normal” back in their lives. There is no right or wrong , but school staff need to be aware. You may find your children reluctant to talk at home about their grief but they will often find a confidante at school. There may be other times that bring about reactions eg when younger siblings overtake their older siblings milestones etc.

RETURN TO WORK
The right time to return to work is a very individual situation. You will be tired in the extreme and yet finances may not permit extended time away from work. Speak to your employer regarding leave entitlements, you may have accrued sick/annual leave. The first step back to work is difficult regardless of length of time taken off. You may then find great comfort in the return to routine, like finding something normal still exists. Your colleagues or employer are welcome to speak with the parent support team at SIDS and Kids if they are uncertain how best to support you.

Written by Jo Burr – mother of Simon who died at the age of 15 on 2000
Illustrations by : Kira Puru Student, Cardiff High School, NSW.