The memories you have of your baby will play a vital part in helping you deal with your grief. They are the link to your baby that will always remain precious to you. As time passes, parents find these memories are often their greatest comfort.

Many people are afraid of death and dead bodies. Parents in your situation are sometimes hesitant to see and hold their baby after death because of this fear of death or fear that others will think them morbid. Sometimes well intentioned family members will discourage one or both parents from spending time with their dead baby believing that it will “only upset them more”. On the contrary, most parents that have faced a similar situation to your own find spending time with their baby is a sad but special experience. If you can’t cope with seeing and holding your baby straight after death or delivery, you and your partner can see him or her any number of times while in hospital or later at the funeral home.

After the physical strain of birth and the sense of emergency that surrounds the delivery of a dead baby or treatment of a critically ill on, many parents are physically exhausted and left feeling numb and shocked. In such situations, parents are often unable to fully take in everything that goes on around them. Some parents find that over time memories of the whole event become hazy. Most distressing for parents whose recollections become dim is that their only memories of what their baby looked like may be affected. Some parents find that consciously stopping and concentrating intensely on the face of their baby for a time imprints this memory more deeply in their minds and it is less likely to be lost with the passage of time.

Spend as much time as you need with your baby. You should not be hurried to say goodbye to your baby before you are ready. You will know when the time has come. If possible, spend time with your baby together as a couple. Your other children may be involved too if you feel it is appropriate for them. Sharing grief and the feeling of being a family may ease the pain and isolation a little.

These days hospitals will keep mementos of your baby for you. If you can’t face having them now, they will be kept with your medical files in case you change your mind later.

You can do as much as you want for your baby as you want including bathing and dressing him or her. Although you may feel uncomfortable about handling a dead body at first, parents often find that once they have had contact with their baby this fear is replaced by an overwhelming feeling of love for this child.

You can create special memories of you baby in many different ways. Do what you feel is right for you. Have as much or as little contact with your baby as you feel you need and don’t feel pressures to do as others indicate.

It may help you later if you:

• Name your baby.
• Take photographs of your baby. The hospital will take some photos but you may wish to have your own camera to take family photos.
• See and hold your baby as much or as little as you need to.
• Ask for mementos such as footprints, handprints, locks of hair, cot card, hospital bracelet, print of the monitoring tape.
• Take time to say goodbye and all those special things you want to say to your baby in a quiet, calm, unhurried environment.
• Have other family members see, hold and acknowledge your baby.
• Bathe, dress and wrap your baby in clothes specially chosen by you.
• Participate in the funeral/baptism/blessing.
• Keep a lock of hair or something else in a locket.
• Do what feels right for you to help you remember your baby better.